


Curious Jim

by deawrites



Category: Gotham (TV)
Genre: Adult Content, Boys In Love, Boys Kissing, Explicit Language, M/M, Medical Trauma
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-27
Updated: 2017-05-27
Packaged: 2018-11-05 17:11:23
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,367
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11017845
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/deawrites/pseuds/deawrites
Summary: Harvey loves Jim and Jim is 'curious' about Harvey.





	Curious Jim

**Author's Note:**

> This story kind of got away from my original vision for it. I'm having a difficult time writing smut so you'll just have to fill in the sequences with your own imaginations. But the characterization is there so yay! 
> 
> Criticisms, comments, kudos, suggestions welcome. If you find a mistake let me know so I can fix it as all mistakes are my own.
> 
> To my lovely wifey muse. Thank you for being my sounding board. I love you forever and always.

Gordlock: Curious Jim

Jim loved being a detective for the Gotham City police department. What he didn’t enjoy were stake outs. He liked to be out doing not sitting on his ass for 12 hours waiting for something that may; or may not; even happen. The only thing; perhaps; that made it worth the effort besides getting the collar, was his partner Harvey Bullock. If anyone could make a bland day a little livelier it was Harvey. Jim enjoyed his sense of humor and wondered where he got all the scathingly filthy bar room jokes he told to pass the time.  There were down sides as well, being trapped in a car with anyone and their lack of dietary restrictions posed the occasional problems. There was also the infrequent disagreement on a subject of conversation that caused them to grate against one another, however all in all Jim felt fortunate that Harvey was his partner. He was easy to get along with most days; he was a good cop; held strong opinions, spoke his mind, could admit when he was right or when he was wrong; adapted to situations quickly and didn’t mind being a follower, yet was well versed on how to be a strong leader.

 

It was precisely these types of thoughts that lead Jim Gordon to ask Harvey, “Do you prefer to work alone or with a partner?”

 

Harvey frowned and looked away from the windscreen long enough to assess Jim’s profile. When Jim turned to look at him in return only then did Harvey answer. “Is this your way of telling me that you want to request a new partner?” There was a slight tone of panic to his question. “I mean, I know you’re the lone wolf type Jim, but me? Nah. I like to be partnered up.”

 

“Just curious.” Jim responded looking back out the window at the strip club they were watching the back entrance and parking lot of. He glanced back at Harvey and gently informed, “And no; I’m not asking for a transfer. I like working with you.”

 

“I knew _that_.” Harvey scoffed breaking eye contact with Jim and returned his attention to the club. “But thanks for clarifying.” He sniffed and reached to the console cup holder for his coffee and asked, “Since you’re all Curious George at the moment, who’s been the best partner you’ve ever had?”

 

“You.” Jim answered without hesitation nor eye contact. “What about you?”

 

There were only two partners that Harvey had ever had that he would consider the ‘best’ at anything constructive in his vocational history. But comparing Dix to Jim and vice versa? So many categories they both held on the list of strengths, that Harvey was actually having to think about his answer. It took a few seconds but compare and contrast brought him to a confident conclusion.

 

“If you overlook your penchant for trying to get me killed, I’ll say you not Dix.” He nodded twice and took a sip of his coffee. “Gah.” He groaned. “This is too cold now. We need refreshers. Give me five dollars and ten minutes and you’ll be drinking supreme black coffee. The way the Saints intended it.”

 

“Uh huh.” Jim reached for his wallet anyway and fished out the bill that Harvey requested. He handed it over without complaint and when Harvey reached for the door Jim reached for him. “Two sugars in mine, yeah?”

 

“Yeah, yeah. When haven’t I done?”

 

“Day before yesterday.”

 

“One fricken time!” Snapped Harvey as he pulled himself out of the vehicle and slammed the door. He leaned into the window and stared across the seat at Jim. “Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do.” Jim waved him off and Harvey patted the window ledge before withdrawing. Jim watched him cross the street and he frowned.

 

“Son of a,” Jim mumbled watching Harvey blatantly head into the strip club. Great. Yet true to his word less than ten minutes later Harvey was back with piping hot coffee, complete with Jim’s two sugars; that was surprisingly good considering the source.

 

“See?” Harvey mused bumping Jim’s right shoulder with his left elbow. “Didn’t lie.”

 

“No, you didn’t.” Jim permitted impressed. “But were you made is my question?”

 

“Na. Bartender and Bouncers didn’t give any indication. No one even looked at me, all eyes were on the stage. Some Asian woman with bad implants was working the pole harder than anyone I’ve seen in a while. No one is curious about us, trust me Georgie.”

 

“Good.” Jim took another sip of his coffee pleased by the heat of it in his mouth. It might be mid-day but they had been staring at the same parking lot and back exit for most of the day now and he was bored. “Am I to understand that you frequent the strip shows?”

 

Harvey shook his head and checked the security of the lid on his coffee before taking a sip. “Used to. Haven’t in years. Seen one exotic dancer you’ve pretty much seen them all.” He looked at Jim. “You ever go?” He could barely envision it without balking at the image.

 

Jim shrugged. “Have. But not since the Army, and one bachelor party when I was still working patrol.”

 

“That my friend is because you have what they call, ‘ _class’_.” Harvey pointed at Jim knowingly. “Fortunately for me, I don’t suffer such limitations. World of difference between us on that front Junior.”

 

“I defer to your experience.” Jim smirked taking a sip of coffee enjoying the warmth as it hit his chest first then stomach. “Teach me master.”

 

Harvey laughed. “Better be careful with such phrases, Jim. They can easily be misconstrued.” There was an impish glint to his eye and Jim immediately realized what sexual practices he was alluding too.

 

Jim blushed from the tips of his ears to his cheeks and had to look away from Harvey and at the club. He shook his head. “No.” He took another sip of coffee. “Not even going to acknowledge you.”

 

Harvey nudged Jim with his elbow. “Come on. You know you wanna.”

 

“No.” Jim laughed. “I _don’t_.”

 

“Alright. Fair enough. But let me ask you this question-“

 

“How about don’t ask me **any** question and let’s just do our jobs?”

 

“That’s no fun.” Harvey explained the obvious. He nudged Jim once more causing the other man to look at him. “Seriously though, what’s the kinkiest thing you’ve ever done?” Harvey raised his eyebrows. “Well?”

 

“No.” Jim looked back out the window and shook his head. “We’re not doing this.”

 

“Oh, come on. Why not? I’ll even go first if you want.”

 

Jim rolled his gaze and frowned at Harvey. “You’re not understanding. I don’t want to know what _you’ve_ done, and I am not going to tell you what _I’ve_ done. So kindly drop the subject and we can entertain one another some other way that doesn’t include sex.”

 

“What crawled up your ass?” Harvey demanded and abruptly offensive anger shifted to curiosity. “Or was that it? You had something up your as-“

 

“Stop!” Jim snapped this time his features flushed with anger instead of discomfort. “I mean it Bullock; stop pushing me!” Jim cursed and looked back out the window. “It’s like working with a middle school- “

 

“Hey! At least give me high school.”

 

Jim sighed. “Fine. It’s like working with a **high** school kid. Happy now?” Jim demanded meeting his partner’s gaze.

 

Harvey shrugged. “That’ll do.”

 

They sat in silence for the next fourteen minutes and it was Jim who broke the silence first. “There’s an Air Force base in Germany. I stopped there for a night on my way home from Afghanistan.” Jim paused as Harvey looked at him. He could feel the older man’s gaze upon his profile but he couldn’t muster the courage to look at him. “I went to a sex club. I was just going to see what it was like but, I ended up having anonymous; and very public sex; with this woman and her boyfriend.”

 

To his credit, Harvey didn’t tease or cat call, he merely absorbed the information and was visibly impressed by Jim’s experience. “Wow. German clubs are known for being hard core. I mean even the Eastern Europeans are leery, and those guys are _insane_.” Harvey tapped Jim’s arm with the back of his hand and Jim looked from the contact to Harvey’s green eyes. “My hat is off to you Brother. I wouldn’t have had the nuts to go in, let alone have public sex with a couple.”

 

Jim’s face grew beet red and he stared hard out of the window. The interior of the car reigned in silence for another five minutes before Harvey said, “Toys. I had a three some with these two women and there were toys involved.” Harvey looked at Jim’s profile once more. “And just to clarify, yes. The ladies used them on _me_ , not the other way around.”

 

Jim’s brow furrowed and after another two minutes of silence he looked towards Harvey. “Toys aren’t really that kinky.”

 

“Depends on what type of toys they are my, friend.” Harvey grinned at him and Jim shook his head seeing the movement out of his peripheral vision. “It’s all in how you use them.”

 

“The things I saw at the club…” Jim allowed the sentence to trail off into the imagination and Harvey nodded.

 

“Nightmare inducing?”

 

“More like, I didn’t realize people did **that** , territory.”

 

Harvey grunted in agreement. “What was the worst?”

 

Jim’s expression shifted to one of disgust. “For me to see? Bathroom fetishes.”

 

“Are we talking the room itself or what people do to toilets?”

 

Jim blanched. “Toilets.”

 

Harvey considered the practices. “I can see how that _could_ be something sexual. Wouldn’t be in my top ten things to do with a willing partner personally though.”

 

“Yeah I know.” Smirked Jim. “Toys apparently are your go to.”

 

Harvey shoved Jim lightly and instructed him to shut up. With a shake of his head he withdrew his touch. “I think I would like to do some bondage though. Light. Nothing life threatening.”

 

Jim arched an eyebrow and shifted in the seat. “I couldn’t. I mean, be the one tied up. I have trust issues.”

 

“Really?” Asked Harvey his tone dripping with sarcasm. “I would have never pegged you as squeamish wherever trust is involved.” He chuckled and took a sip of his coffee. “The right person, the right restraints, the right amount of pressure, maybe a little blindfold? Heaven my friend.”

 

“You’ve done it? Because you sure as hell _sound_ like you have.”

 

Harvey shrugged a shoulder. “I was married you know. _Twice_. Yeah, I’ve dabbled. It was fun but I haven’t done it in years.” Too many to admit to. He looked at Jim. “What did you and Barbara do huh? She seemed the type of woman that would be open to experimentation of all kinds.”

 

Jim’s jaw tensed. “She, could be, _adventurous_.” But it became apparent to Harvey that Jim had been the issue with testing out new sexual territory. Jim shrugged. “We were the most compatible in that category. It was everything else where we needed work.”

 

“Been there.” Harvey spoke of previous girlfriends. He shrugged. “Still, the crazy ones are always the most fun in bed.”

 

Jim laughed. “Okay, I think it’s finally time for us to change the subject.” He was grateful to Harvey for bringing up the safe topic of sports and they spent the next half hour debating whether an acquisition of a certain player on the Gotham Hurricane’s baseball team was worth the money forked out for his trade or just a waste of a contract. At least that was until Harvey noticed activity at the side entrance of the club and it was none other than their suspect. The rest of their shift was spent interrogating said suspect and citing evidence to the contrary of the man’s official statement. After that they handed the man over to his public defender and spent the rest of their time filling out the mountain of paperwork that invariably came with each arrest.  Jim disappeared for a good hour to the police gym while Harvey finished up his own paperwork. Jim swung back by the bullpen on his way home to check on his partner and take care of any last-minute phone messages.

 

“Hey Jim?” Jim did a double take as he looked at Harvey realizing that the man was wearing his glasses. They always did startle him at how studious they made his partner look, and how much he enjoyed that image.

 

“Yeah?”

 

“Wanna get a drink? Unless you have other plans.” He knew Jim didn’t. Now that Jim was single, he merely traversed the path from work to home and didn’t deviate.

 

“Alright.” Jim agreed smirking at the surprise he saw lighten Harvey’s features before he broke into a full smile. “Why not? I’ll buy first two rounds.”

 

“Damn straight you are.” Harvey insisted abandoning what he was doing altogether and grabbing his suit coat and hat. “You drive.”

 

Jim liked it when Harvey was tipsy; not drunk but had just enough alcohol in his system to make him happy, and cuddly. He loved the way Harvey would sling an arm around his shoulders, lean in close to tell him ordinary things that weren’t even secrets, but act as if they were. He enjoyed Harvey’s laugh sounding so close to his ear. He enjoyed the scent of the man’s cologne, the weight and warmth of him, just being intimate in a way they weren’t when Harvey was completely sober. He touched Jim allot more and while Jim wasn’t certain what it said about himself or Harvey, he craved it all the same.

 

For Harvey, he loved spending time with Jim outside of work. He had permission to touch the man nearly as much as he wanted to. Jim didn’t balk at him sitting too close, talking too close, leaning too close; in fact, he seemed to encourage the behavior. Harvey loved being intimate in this way with Jim. He loved the way Jim smelled, how smooth his skin was, the feel of his body against him, and the depth of his blue eyes. His throat was like a siren call to him but Harvey had only ever touched it with his fingers, brushed it gently and retracted quickly as not to make Jim question what he was up to. The fullness of Jim’s lips, the length of his eyelashes was nothing short of sinful, but if Harvey had partaken of a few drinks Jim didn’t seem to mind him openly staring at him. And stare Harvey did; Jim was nothing short of beautiful and he ached for Jim to notice just once what Harvey was really saying with all his touches: Yet he never did. And, why should he? Harvey was 48 years old and no longer a catch as far as he was concerned, let alone Jim. His faults out listed his strengths physically, intellectually and emotionally. Jim had a shining future before him and Harvey was dead weight; an anchor. He was holding on until retirement and Jim was just getting started on his climb to the top. Harvey was convinced that Jim would make it all the way to Police Commissioner if that was what he had indeed set his sights on. If anyone could accomplish that it was Jim Gordon. Harvey had no ambition, no future, nothing to offer Jim worth voicing. The worst of it was, was now discovering that Jim could also have sex with men. The couple in Germany was a testament to that. Never mind that Jim didn’t confirm that he had sex with the man, he was still there and if Harvey knew one thing it was that Jim was tenacious. He would have touched the other male in some manner even if it was just to say that he had. Harvey wanted to ask but no moment seemed right and he chose to drink instead.

 

Jim matched Harvey for the beginning of the evening but then nursed a beer later in the evening and ordered something to eat from a restaurant down the street from the bar. He had done it before and the bartender was never one to question or care if the owner wasn’t on sight; which she wasn’t. So, he paid the delivery person and divvied up the meal between himself and Harvey. The older male was reluctant to eat but surrendered once Jim started chewing his own portion. At the end of the evening Jim had his arms around Harvey and was limping with him through the threshold of his own; and closer; apartment.

 

“Easy does it, Harv.” Jim soothed aiming his partner in the direction of the bedroom. “If you hug my head like that I can’t see…”

 

“Not sorry.” Harvey proclaimed kissing Jim’s left temple. “You’re the best partner I’ve ever,” Harvey paused and belched softly. “ever had. I meant that y’know.”

 

“I know.” Jim assured as the doorjamb hit in in the right shoulder and grunted and repositioned himself to make it through the bedroom door, Harvey first and then him, side stepping. “I love you too Harvey.”

 

“So, damned, much!” Harvey exclaimed punctuating each word with a kiss upon Jim’s cheek. “I love you, you big ol’ death bullet with my name on it!”

 

Jim gathered what Harvey was trying to say but wasn’t certain that his partner had said it the way he intended too. “Okay, I know.” Jim managed to get Harvey to the bed and helped him sit down. He knelt before his partner and stripped him of his shoes and socks, before helping him off with his suit coat and shirt. He left the undershirt on and then asked Harvey to stand up so he could help him off with his trousers. That dissolved in to five minutes of laughter from Harvey, while insisting that if Jim wanted to have sex all he had to do was ask.  It took a little more wrangling but Jim was finally able to get Harvey into bed and pull the covers up around him. Jim then got ready for bed himself and went out to the living room to crash on the couch. It might be his home, but Harvey was the guest and a little drunk so it was only fair he should give up his bed for the night. After all, what kind of partner would he be if he didn’t? It took a little bit for him to get comfortable but eventually Jim did and he drifted off to sleep.

 

Harvey awoke an hour or two before sunrise and ran a hand back through his hair. Everywhere he turned he could smell Jim so damn close. It took him a few seconds to realize that he wasn’t in his own bed but Jim’s. He rose to a seated position and rubbed the back of his neck and the sleep from his eyes before he wandered out into the living room and discovered Jim curled up on the couch with only a blanket and a throw pillow. He shook his head and drank in the sight before moving to stand beside his sleeping partner. Harvey reached down with a hand and shook Jim’s shoulder gently summoning him from his dreams.

 

“C’mon. Wake up Jim.”

 

“Huh? What’s wrong?” Jim asked sitting up slightly and looking up with all the concern in the world at Harvey’s shadowed face.

 

“Come to bed. There’s no sense in you sleeping on the couch in your own place.”

 

“I wanted you to be comfortable.”

 

“And I am. Thanks. But the bed’s a queen. C’mon. Let’s get some more shut eye.” Groggily Jim rose and followed Harvey obediently into the bedroom. He took the opposite side of the bed and left Harvey to slide into the one he had vacated a few seconds earlier. “Night Junior.”

 

“G’night.” Jim mumbled before falling silent and asleep once more. Harvey smiled to himself. He hadn’t believed at the beginning of the day that he would end up in bed with Jim Gordon, and now he was not only in bed with him, but spending the entire night as well. Life for Harvey Bullock wasn’t so bad.

 

The next time the two men awoke it was to the sound of Jim’s bedside alarm going off. Harvey grunted and pawed at the bedside table but couldn’t catch the off button. Jim rose behind him and lay across his side and partial bit of his chest and lunged for the clock silencing it once and for all.

 

“Thanks. I was about to break it against the wall.”

 

“Thank you for controlling yourself.”

 

“No problem.”  Jim was sitting up in bed wiping his eyes clear of sleep with slightly clenched fists and Harvey thought the man was so damned cute he wanted to sweep him into a bear hug. He refrained and lay there watching him, thinking how adorable Jim looked with his usually neat hair out of place and his expression soft and sleepy. “Do I get fed? Or is that only if we, you know?”

 

Jim swallowed a laugh and lowered his hands from his face to look at Harvey. “Technically we slept together so, yeah. By host etiquette I have to make you breakfast.”

 

“Good. Cause I’m starving.”

 

“I hope you like granola, yogurt and fruit.” Jim teased just to see the look or abject horror on Harvey’s face. He giggled; fucking **giggled** at his partner’s expression. “I have eggs and bacon. I _swear_. It’s all right.”

 

“Better be.” Harvey mumbled before mentioning something about his service revolver and Jim’s ‘stupid face’ if he didn’t feed him actual food for breakfast.

 

Jim got out of bed and stretched with his back to Harvey so he didn’t see the older male almost swallow his tongue at erotic view Jim provided. His body had been elongated, muscle groups working, hips swaying slightly. He had little on so there were expanses of skin to see for all Jim wore was a pair of boxer briefs and a loose-fitting t-shirt that rode upward from his hips to expose a line of waist, back and abs. Harvey had to regulate his breathing and had to sit up quickly and turn his back to Jim before he embarrassed himself with a moan at the sound of the soft groan Jim released as he popped a few vertebrae in his neck and upper spine. Holy crap Jim had no idea what he was doing to Harvey and it wasn’t fair. There was no way for Harvey to retaliate because, well? Harvey looked down at his bloated belly and frowned. Sure, he could just see himself on the cover of ‘Men’s Health’ magazine as a _cautionary tale_ or _before_ picture. He shook his head and pressed the heels of his hands to his eyes attempting to banish the sweet image of Jim’s perfect form out of his mind’s eye.

 

Jim moved around the end of the bed to reach the closet and pick out a suit to wear for the day. “Hey,” he summoned gently. “You can use the bathroom first. Extra toothbrushes under the sink.” Harvey grumbled his thanks and made a bee line for the bathroom. There was no way he was going to let Jim see his semi erection and wonder why it wasn’t either full or even present. He needn’t have worried as Jim was trying to decide upon a tie to off-set the shirt and suit he had picked but in a complementary way. Oblivious as per usual and for once Harvey was immensely thankful for that fact.  Breakfast passed relatively calmly as Jim was dressed and the only point of interest beyond staring at his face was his ass the way the trousers were tailored to fit. Harvey managed to maintain composure and hurried to change his own clothes once they dropped by his apartment before heading into work. Harvey was relieved once they arrived at the GCPD station because he was surrounded by the familiar ebb and flow of the work place and Jim’s presence beside him took on an entirely different meaning than it had in their private moments that morning. This was normal; status quo; something he had mastered. Personal time was far too unpredictable to steel himself against upset or pain. At work, he buried his feelings and pushed onward.

 

Jim had enjoyed waking up to Harvey being at his apartment. He enjoyed taking care of his partner, feeding him, fusing over him, making certain he started the day relaxed and focused. He missed the physical touches from the previous night, but a warm hand upon his shoulder, or touching Harvey in some way also had been enough to scratch the itch niggling at the peripheral of his senses. He couldn’t exactly remember how he ended up in the bedroom, but waking up and leaning across Harvey’s solid body to silence the alarm had reassured him of something he couldn’t quite name, or feel at the surface to be identified at all. He wasn’t even stressed or miffed that they were a few minutes late for their shift because Harvey had to change clothes; in fact, it was an inconvenience that Jim would put up with again if necessary. Later as he was walking by Harvey to reach the captain’s office, he paused long enough to place a hand just between Harvey’s shoulder blades, pet him with quick, small circles before patting his shoulders and moving on. He could sense Harvey’s surprise as he walked by, but he caught sight of Harvey’s beaming smile when he glanced back over his shoulder to cast one of his own. Jim felt, _happy_ for a change. The feeling was foreign but something he felt he wanted to get used too.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Two evenings later Jim overheard Harvey complaining to a Uniformed Officer about the upcoming Hurricane’s game and what a waste of electricity it was most likely going to be. When he returned to their desks Jim peered across at Harvey and said, “Do you want to come over to my place after work? We can order out, have a few beers, see if there’s a game on maybe?”

 

Harvey didn’t want to appear as if he were jumping at the invitation but he was. He swallowed to place a pause between question and answer before blurting, “Yeah. Sounds great. I’ll bring the beer.”

 

“I’ve got some.” Jim countered but seeing the look on Harvey’s face added, “But more the merrier, right?”

 

Harvey beamed at him. “Abso-fucking-lutely right!” Harvey pointed at him. “I’ll be at your place, half hour, forty after shift?”

 

Jim nodded. “Sure. I’ll be there.” Jim smiled and watched Harvey for the next fifteen minutes the joy of the invitation slowly seeping out of him until he was just bogged down with paperwork the same as Jim. But for a few minutes he had been happy and Jim wanted to make certain that happened as many times as possible. He wasn’t questioning why, just accepted that he wanted to see Harvey smile more, and if he could be the cause of it; so much the better.

 

Jim went straight home from work and tidied up a little, rushing as not to appear in the middle of something when Harvey arrived. He told himself it wasn’t because he wanted things to look perfect because that was what his partner deserved, but that he rushed due to time.  He had time left and changed into jeans and a t-shirt, barefoot and continuously checking his wrist watch. He had just finished going through his mail and throwing out the junk and keeping the bills when the hard rap sounded upon his door. Jim grinned and pulled open the door. Harvey was standing in the hallway with a six box of bottled beers and two pizza boxes balanced upon his opposite palm.

 

“The cavalry has arrived.” He announced as he Jim stepped back to allow him entry. Harvey gave the environment a quick once over assessment with his gaze noting the subtle differences from the morning to now. Jim had cleaned which was, sweet; but strange.

 

“You didn’t have to do all this.” Jim praised taking the beers from him to take them into the kitchen to keep them chilled. “Thank you though.”

 

“You’re welcome.” Harvey followed him and was perfectly happy to watch Jim walk away from him. The jeans fit in all the right places and the t-shirt was just the right length not to cover _some_ of those same places. “I figured I should do something after you extended the invite and all. Plus, this way I get to pick the food and you can’t say jack about it.” He grinned at Jim and set the boxes on the kitchen table.

 

Jim took a couple of plates out of the cabinet and halted half way closing the door at how Harvey was staring at him. “What?”

 

“Really? The good china Jim? It’s pizza for Christ’s sake and not truffles or what fancy pants dish, have you.” Harvey paused and took off his suit jacket throwing it over the back of a kitchen chair, his hat he tossed onto the table alongside of the pizza boxes.  “I’m not company, I’m family. Now get the paper plates and let’s dig in. I’m starvin’.”

 

Jim frowned and looked from the plates in his hand to Harvey’s gaze. “I don’t have paper plates.”

 

Harvey rolled his gaze as if he was long suffering and walked over to Jim. He took the plates out of Jim’s hand and shook his head. “Have you learned nothing from Uncle Harvey? Paper-“

 

“Just shut up and eat.” Jim smirked moving to the refrigerator to get them a couple of beers. He had bottled and cans, but since Harvey had gone to the trouble of bringing ‘the good stuff’ Jim brought out two bottles. With napkins under his arms, open beers in each hand he approached the table and handed Harvey his drink and napkin. Harvey was already attacking the first pizza placing several slices upon his plate.

 

“You know,” he said licking cheese and sauce off his thumb. “There’s a game on tonight. If you don’t mind watching Gotham play.”

 

“Why would I mind?”

 

Harvey laughed and reminded Jim of their previous conversations regarding the Gotham Hurricanes and where they disagreed.  “Oh, how soon we forget.”

 

“I’m hungry and not analyzing any players right now.”

 

Harvey held up a hand in surrender. “All right, all right. I’m just sayin’.” He nudged Jim with an elbow. “There’s always later.” He winked and exited the kitchen. This time Jim followed him but enough seconds behind that Harvey was already seated on the couch when Jim arrived.

 

The two detectives settled in, a game was half watched, pizza mostly eaten and a several beers between them consumed, when Jim realized he had gone from sitting shoulder to shoulder against Harvey to something a little more intimate. Harvey had his arm up near the ridge of the couch and Jim was now tucked under his arm and leaning comfortably into Harvey’s side. He looked over at Harvey’s profile and watched him take a sip of his beer. The pink of his lips around the bottle, the up and down pull of his throat as he drank. Jim felt his heart beat quicken slightly and his cheeks heat up. It was as if it had never occurred to him until now just how attractive Harvey was. His features were handsome, eyes deep green like the Erie Isle he talked about so proudly; his hands were large, shoulders broad and-

 

“Shit.”

 

Harvey arched an eye brow and looked at Jim, lowering the bottle from his lips. “What?”

 

“Nothing.” Jim back peddled and looked at the television screen. Of course, there was some idiotic commercial on and inwardly Jim cursed his luck. He could feel Harvey still staring at him as the silence between them stretched on. He swallowed and leaned forward to snatch his beer off the coffee table. A piece of furniture he had sacrificed long ago due to Harvey’s inability to use a coaster.  As he was still leaning forward Harvey’s arm that had once been around him, now had his hand pressed flat against his back. The heat of it feeling as if it would burn away the cotton of his shirt to sear his skin. He froze.

 

“What is it?”

 

There was actual concern in Harvey’s tone and Jim knew he had to say something to reassure him. Just what that something was he had no clue. He slowly turned his head to look at his friend. “It’s not _wrong_ , just-” He faltered and wet his lips. He wanted to sit back upon the couch but Harvey’s hand on his back felt so damned good.  “realized that you’re, um, kind of hot.” Harvey stared at him, expression blank and Jim was relatively certain that he had stopped breathing for several seconds. “Harv? You okay?”

 

“Fine.” Harvey silenced sharply. Seeing Jim blanch a little his expression shifted to remorse, and his hand made a few small circles upon Jim’s back. “No, it’s not what you said I just, would have,” He paused struggling to push the words out. “not ever thought you’d think that. Of me.”

 

Jim’s brow furrowed. “Why wouldn’t I?”

 

“Are you serious?” Harvey demanded in disbelief. “Jim, I’m pushing 50 here and not on the good side of it. I mean, **look** at me.”  He pulled his hand off Jim’s back so he could motion to himself in grand gesture.

 

“I **am**.” Jim informed determined, as if to make Harvey see himself through his eyes. “And whatever it is you think I see when I look at you, you’re wrong. So, take the compliment Bullock and quit acting like you have no pride in yourself.”

 

“Because I don’t!” Harvey exclaimed. “If you compare me to you-”

 

“We’re two different people.” Jim finished. “Don’t compare yourself to me or anyone. You’re great Harvey; attractive; and the kind of man that anyone should be proud to know, and bring home to their family!”

 

“Wow, where the fuck were you when my two ex-wives were gutting me at the business end of the divorce? They had one nut each and they were never gonna stop twisting until the skin snapped. But you, you’re making me sound like the second coming. Thanks Junior but I think this is a case of beer goggles.”

 

It wasn’t and Jim looked away angrily. He was messing up the entire conversation; Harvey wasn’t understanding and had such a low self-image of himself Jim might as well have been talking to a brick wall.  He shook his head and closed his eyes for a few seconds to try and dispel some of his anger. His lips pursed and when he opened his eyes again he could see that Harvey was still looking at him expectantly.

 

“I’m sorry.” Jim stated more than apologized. “For complementing you, when you obviously disagree. My mistake.” Jim rose to stand and for something to do grabbed their empty plates and a few beer bottles. “It won’t happen again.”

 

“Aw, come on Jim.” Harvey reasoned. “Look I didn’t mean to,” He paused watching his friend disappear into the kitchen.  “Don’t be mad at me! This was a good time until just two minutes ago, remember?” Harvey called after him. “Jim?”

 

Jim placed the bottles down upon the counter top a little hard and followed suit with the plates in the sink. He closed his eyes and grabbed the edge of the sink with his hands and huffed out a few breaths and breathed deeply to try and level his anger. He opened his eyes sensing he wasn’t alone in the kitchen and jumped a little feeling a hand slide down his spine.

 

“I’m sorry.” Harvey’s apology could have been for startling Jim or for their disagreement and Jim realized it didn’t matter which, as his tone was extremely sincere. “Look it, I know you mean well. It’s just been a **long** time since anyone has said something like that to me. I didn’t expect it. I _like_ it; just didn’t _expect_ it.”

 

“I understand you feel that way, I just don’t believe anyone hasn’t said it to you recently aside from me.”

 

“Well, you’re the first; and only; in a long while. Sorry to rain on your parade, stroke or whatever but, thanks. For saying I’m ‘ _kinda’_ hot.”

 

Jim arched his neck back and stared at the ceiling. “Oh, my, god. I **knew** you’d latch onto that description.” Harvey cackled behind him and Jim leaned his head forward and shook it, bracing himself for the sarcasm that was certain to follow.

 

“Kinda? That’s the best you can do? I’m only kinda, sorta, good looking? Not even **just** good looking but _kinda_?”

 

“Okay, you’re hot! Alright? You, are, **hot** , Harvey.” Jim both apologized and chuckled over his right shoulder. His eyes swept up and met Harvey’s. He swallowed as most of his humor burned away into desire. He saw the second when Harvey caught it in his gaze and physically took a step back from him in surprise. There was little Jim could do to cover that, so he merely turned around and barely whispered an apology. “I’m sorry.”

 

“Are you-? I mean,” Harvey stammered taking another step backward. He gestured at Jim with one of his hands as he spoke. “did you just-?” Harvey faltered and abruptly gathered his words together allowing the last of them to come out in a rush. “Are you attracted to me?”

 

Jim looked down at the floor. This wasn’t happening. This conversation could not be happening now in his kitchen when his back was to the sink and Harvey was interrogating him about his feelings. Jim closed his eyes and took a breath to stabilize himself. He slowly opened his eyes and merely nodded as he didn’t trust that he could speak. Harvey ran a hand down his face to briefly cover his mouth his stare never leaving Jim’s face.

 

“Oh, thank the Saints.” Harvey exhaled in utter relief. He stepped forward and placed both of his hands upon Jim’s shoulders. “Jim, you big, blue eyed, beautiful, bastard, you!” Harvey was grinning from ear to ear and in confusion Jim looked up into his beaming features. “Come here.” Harvey yanked Jim into a crushing hug and it took several seconds for Jim to respond in kind by tentatively putting his arms around his partner and patting his back with one hand.  Harvey grabbed him by the head and pulled him forward until his lips placed a long kiss to his cheek. Upon pulling back he declared. “God, I love you, Buddy.” Harvey kissed him again and withdrew from the embrace slightly. One arm was still around Jim, the other he pressed a flattened palm to Jim’s heart.

 

“What?” Jim asked when he finally found his voice. “I don’t understand.”

 

“There’s nothing **too** understand, Junior.” Harvey explained lightly. “Except you know, I’m attracted to you too.” He shrugged carelessly even though his heart was beating a thousand times per second and he awaited on baited breath whatever Jim would say next.

 

“What?” Jim demanded more than questioned and the furrowing of his brow alerted Harvey that he should suspend his celebrations for the next few minutes. “No. Wait, that’s not what I was trying,” Jim faltered and gently pushed Harvey back a step from him with an arm. “Harvey, I wasn’t- “

 

Harvey hadn’t expected that to be Jim’s reaction and the joy drained from his face. “Oh, of course not.” He cleared his throat and took a couple of steps backward and shrugged. “I was just saying that you know, you’re good looking too.” He turned quickly to the refrigerator. “Hey, want another beer?”

 

“No thank you.” Again, Jim refused him but what did Harvey really expect? That Jim would feel the same as he did? Jim watched Harvey as he pulled another beer out of the refrigerator and used the bottle opener mounted at the corner of the counter alongside of the fridge and toss the lid into the garbage. It missed but he made no move to retrieve it. Jim walked over to dispose of it and Harvey disappeared back into the living room, Jim following suit seconds later.

 

Both men were seated upon the couch for the next ten minutes with the only sound between them the television. Harvey was tense but trying to play off his embarrassment acting as if nothing had happened, and Jim didn’t bother hiding his anxiousness or remorse. He ran a hand back over his hair and took a breath before offering, “I am _curious_ about you.”

 

Harvey’s left cheek twitched at the jaw line by the hinge and he refused to look at Jim, gaze set hard upon the television screen. “What the fuck is that supposed to mean?”

 

“It means that I, uh,” Jim cleared his throat and rubbed a hand down his right thigh. He was sitting on the edge of the couch cushion, opposite forearm laying across the top of his knee. “I wonder about you sexually. I just don’t- “

 

“Don’t want to fuck me.” Harvey finished for him to rip the knife out of his wound so he could get on with bleeding freely. “Yeah, I get it Jim. You don’t need to explain.” It was a statement wrapped in a warning topped with a plea and they both heard it in Harvey’s voice.

 

“I don’t want this to jeopardize our friendship, or partnership- “

 

“Already forgotten.” It was a lie but Harvey said it with such conviction that Jim chose to believe him.  “Done.”

 

Jim nodded and reached over with his right hand to pat Harvey’s leg. The man flinched and withdrew from the touch and Jim aborted the attempt quickly. They sat in virtual silence for the remainder of the game, and then Harvey said his good night and went home. Jim leaned his back against the front door and sighed plaintively. The evening had ended in disaster and Jim didn’t know how to fix it. The harder he had tried the worse the situation had become. He elected to do nothing for the remainder of the night and try to engage in formal planning in the morning. All he wanted to do was make Harvey happy and all he served to have done was embarrass and cut him deeply.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

As the days passed the tension between them lessened. Harvey steadfastly behaved as if nothing had happened, Jim hadn’t said all he had; leaving Jim little choice but to follow his lead. Certainly, it was the cowards’ way out, but Jim couldn’t force Harvey to talk about a topic he didn’t want too. Plus, he was glad the easy camaraderie between them had returned and moderately unchanged. He felt shame for his desire, and if Harvey wanted him to push it away he would; he owed his partner that much. Oddly it didn’t change how he felt, in fact now that Harvey was somewhat forbidden fruit his interest naturally grew. He found himself thinking of Harvey at the oddest times whenever they were apart. While doing domestic tasks, when he felt horny, when he felt sad or happy, hell; when he felt anything. Thoughts of Harvey would come unbidden into his mind and he would grow wishful and sad. It was a few months before they went out for drinks after work, Harvey always begging off Jim’s invitations and never extending those of his own.

 

Harvey didn’t invite Jim; nor himself with Jim; anywhere because he was damn miserable. To find out that Jim wanted him but wasn’t going to take that last step, was crushing to say the least. Harvey would have risked it all just to be with Jim because he knew what they had wouldn’t be merely physical. It couldn’t be; not the way they were with each other as friends and working partners. What they had; or could have; was special but Jim rejected it and Harvey couldn’t force him to change his mind. He wasn’t even certain how to approach the subject even if he wanted to cajole about Jim’s commitment to him, or lack thereof. The moment that had broken Harvey’s heart had been in the kitchen the last night they were together in Jim’s home. He had seen the desire, the want in Jim’s eyes; the longing in his expression and then Harvey had spoken and turned it all to ashes: Admitting he was attracted to Jim had been the death knell of whatever it was they were developing past friendship. Jim made it clear he wouldn’t take that final step and Harvey didn’t want to know why. He **needed** to know, but he didn’t _want_ to. He kept his distance, didn’t invite himself to Jim’s, or vice versa. They didn’t go out for beers unless it was with plenty of others from work to physically fill the space between them.

 

And Harvey was in mourning. To be around Jim day in and out was torturous enough, but to commit himself to spending additional time outside of work? Was suicide. Being near Jim and knowing he couldn’t have him, or even parts of him as he had previously, were killing Harvey. Yet he continued to pretend that he was fine, that nothing had changed and Jim seemed happy with the status quo. As if it didn’t even dawn on him to notice how much in pain Harvey was. Couldn’t Jim see it in his eyes? Oblivious or choosing not to see the truth? Either way it was a lose/lose for Harvey and spent day after day steeling himself for the next minute; next second; he had to spend with Jim and not break. Things were rapidly coming to a head and Harvey didn’t know how much more he could take; he needed to say something, he needed to tell Jim it wasn’t fair and that he should really reconsider his stance on not taking the risk. To what end? Saying those words, would have little to no effect on Jim. Once the younger male’s mind was made up there was no hope of un-making it. Jim was stubborn and if he felt he would endanger their relationship then he would move heaven and earth to stand still; even if it meant losing Harvey altogether. At least, that’s what was happening and eventually would end with a transfer to another department for Harvey. To say something and be rejected again, was something the Irishman in him knew he couldn’t withstand.

 

Then, the unthinkable happed: Jim had a girlfriend.

 

Harvey didn’t even know Jim had met Dr. Lee Tompkins until he was face to face with her at Arkham Asylum and it was apparent that there was something more personal between her and Jim.  Jim didn’t even have to tell him because Harvey couldn’t have stood to hear the words spoken out loud. Therefore, he pretended to guess and both the good doctor and Jim blushed and Harvey had to pretend that his heart wasn’t re-breaking. It wasn’t bad enough that he lost his partner to a stupid pride war with the Mayor and politics, but he had completely lost him to a woman that had everything to offer a man could want or need. She was intelligent, beautiful, nurturing, could have Jim’s children; and Harvey wanted to hate her and he did. He despised her for being everything his best friend in the world wanted and everything that Harvey couldn’t give to Jim himself. Because Jim didn’t want anything from Harvey any longer. Not even to work with him; still, the addition of Dr. Lee Tompkins in Jim’s life was a final blow to Harvey’s already flayed ego. He knew he must admit defeat.

 

And what did a Catholic Irishman do when he was defeated? He got shit faced drunk and he confronted his pain with his fists. But when Jim opened the door she was there and all Harvey could do was beg. The anger drained out of him and his green eyes pleaded with Jim, and he said to him; in a hushed tone, “Please choose me.” And all Jim did was stared at him in horrified confusion and walked out into the hallway with Harvey and shut the door behind him. Jim asked what in the hell Harvey was doing here inebriated to the point of hospitalization, speaking nonsense and interrupting Jim’s evening in with his lady. All of which were valid questions but Harvey only had one answer: he grabbed Jim by the cheeks and pulled him forward, his mouth covering Jim’s demanding his lips part with a probing tongue. The next thing Harvey knew was that he had hit the wall at the opposite side of the hallway and all the air was knocked out of his chest cavity.

 

Jim was furious, pointed at him and ordered, “Go home!” before disappearing back into his apartment and slamming the door and locking it.

 

Stunned, Harvey had slid down the wall to sit down, his lip bloody and his jaw aching. Too far; he had pushed Jim too far and now everything was beyond repairing. Their friendship, their working relationship; everything that ever meant anything to Harvey about Jim Gordon was ruined. Being the coward he was Harvey hauled himself to his feet and followed Jim’s command; he went home and iced the left side of his mouth and cheek, before crying himself to sleep. He was a pathetic mess that even death was too good for. It didn’t matter that he had an epic hangover the following morning. Nothing mattered, everything was dulled by the ache of his loss. By all rights Harvey knew he should be celebrating; Jim was back at work, Dr. Tompkins was the new medical examiner and by all account that was a miracle. Yet for Harvey it was devastating circumstance.  He even considered early retirement, but his pension was something he was counting on and he wasn’t finished being a cop. There was too much work he still wanted to do; had left in him; with or without Jim at his side he needed to keep something that was his own. He was a cop before Jim Gordon and by god he would be a cop after him.

 

Harvey Bullock did what he did best; he swallowed his pain and every feeling he had towards Jim and soldiered onward. He became acting captain of the department and Jim’s relationship with the good doctor imploded.  He knew it was horrible to take glee in someone else’s suffering but there was a small part of him that thought perhaps now Jim would come back into his life as a partner, friend and perhaps more. Jim shut that hope down almost immediately when he confided in Harvey over a beer the two had taken too long to have together. Jim left the bar early and Harvey stayed and drank himself nearly unconscious. After all the “Don’t think for once now that she’s gone I intend to start anything with you; _ever_.” Jim had foisted at him with a stern warning to his tone had done its job. There was no more hope and there would never be any again. Jim was gone and Harvey knew he had lost the most important thing he had ever had in his life, and any attempt to win it back; or explain; would be construed as a lovelorn jealous man out for one last attempt. At work Harvey did what he always did, acted as if nothing was wrong and he was whatever Jim needed him to be for that moment in time. On off hours if Jim invited him he declined only half the time; yet he did not extend any offers for companionship on his own. It wasn’t out of pride, but because he was at his wits end and Jim refused; or couldn’t see that. Until the time came that he no longer could.

 

The pounding woke Jim up from a sound sleep. It was two a.m. and he grabbed his gun off the dresser as he stumbled his way to the front door. The jeans he had hastily thrown on were open but his eyes quickly cleared of sleep and he was alert by the time he groused, “I’m coming!” and had his hand upon the door. His gun was cocked when he turned the knob but he was completely blindsided by whom he saw on the other side of the door.

 

“Alvarez?” Jim shook his head a little in disbelief. “What’re you?” That was as far as he got before a very weary looking Alvarez interrupted.

 

“The Commissioner sent me to get you. Bullock’s in the hospital. Heart attack we think.”

 

“Wait, _Harvey_?” Jim asked for clarification his stomach seizing as an ice-cold chill pumped through him. “He’s?” Jim swallowed trying to find the rest of the sentence but Alvarez filled the gap.

 

“Touch and go. Commissioner says that you’re acting captain for now. Even if Harvey doesn’t pull through.”

 

Ludicrous. The words he was hearing were nonsensical, utter gibberish. “He’ll pull through.”

 

Alvarez shrugged concern shinning in his gaze. “We have to go.”

 

“Yeah,” Jim was a little sluggish, shock radiating through him but it was cocooned in denial. Harvey? Heart attack? Hospital? Jim now acting captain? It made no absolutely no touch with reality. Jim stood back and allowed Alvarez entrance before moving to his bedroom to finish getting dressed. His heart beat ramped up as the words kept spinning in Jim’s mind finding purchase by degrees. Touch and go; even if he doesn’t pull through- the words stung like ice and Jim knew in his gut that if he had anything to say about it, Harvey Bullock was going to live.

 

Jim didn’t recall much of the ride to Gotham General. He remembered talking to the Commisioner, the GCPD detective union representative, and the delivery boy that had been at Harvey’s neighbor when he heard the collapse. It was only a miracle that he had been there at all, let alone concerned enough to investigate. When there was nothing but a groan of response from the other side of the door the kid and neighbor kicked it in. A Uniform was placed there to guard the entrance until the landlord could have it fixed later in the morning. Until then Harvey was in intensive care and the doctors and nurses were hovering. At this point, there was little to no information about the severity, but the general outlook was grim. Harvey’s health had deteriorated significantly and Jim couldn’t believe he hadn’t noticed more than just that his friend had deteriorated so much. Sure, Harvey had packed on a few extra pounds, but that was mostly due to the stress of the captaincy; eating at his desk and barking orders to be followed rather than being out on the streets enforcing them. Jim had no idea Harvey had also been hypertensive, over stressed and not sleeping. He didn’t know that Harvey’s drinking had reached a critical point either. How could he have been so blind to what was happening right before him? Why had he been so selfish and only concerned with his own problems that he couldn’t even see his best friend?

 

When Harvey came too he remembered he was in the hospital. He recalled having a vague conversation with doctors about electrocardiograms, echocardiograms and the possibility of an MRI. Wait, no- he had already had those tests. Results; they were waiting on blood and MRI results. The phrase coronary artery disease had been bandied around and then Harvey could remember little else. He felt as if he had been hit by a freight truck. Everything hurt and he just wanted to go back to sleep but the oxygen was drying out his sinus passages and throat, he was thirsty as hell and felt like he would shake apart if anyone touched him. He looked to his bedside and the last person he ever expected to see was seated beside him.

 

“Jim?”

 

Of course, it would be the first word he spoke coming out of the most horrendous episode of his life. He had been Harvey’s last thought before blacking out on the floor of his apartment, through his immense physical pain and fear he thought of Jim.  It was hell being in love with someone that didn’t feel the same back and never would.

 

“Hey Harvey.” Jim said gently rising to his feet and closing the distance between himself and the bed. He touched Harvey’s hand, ever mindful of the pulse ox reader on his finger and blood draw port further up. “You’ve had a hell of a night, Buddy.”

 

Harvey closed his eyes. “You suck at the nick name thing. So just don’t. Please don’t.” He managed to tease with far less humor than he usually infused into it. He opened his eyes and felt Jim squeeze his hand. “Don’t know who found me.”

 

“A neighbor. And the delivery boy from Gotham Grub BBQ.  We have their information if you want to thank them once you’re up and about.”

 

Harvey grunted. “They have good ribs.” He chuckled slightly. “Guess I won’t be eating there ever again.”

 

“No, I don’t think so.” Jim tried to laugh but fell short. He just squeezed Harvey’s hand once more. “You really scared me, Bullock.”

 

“Scared _you_? What the fuck do you think this did to **me**?”

 

“You have a point.” Jim reached up with his opposite hand and stroked back some of Harvey’s hair away from his face. His smile faded when Harvey shied away from his touch.

 

“Don’t.”

 

“Sorry.” Jim lowered his hand and then looked at their union of hands. “This okay?” He asked moving his thumb over the back of Harvey’s hand.

 

“S’fine.” Harvey permitted with a weary sigh. “Can you do me a favor and call some of my family? I could you know, use their help right about now.”

 

“Sure. Anything you need.”

 

Harvey blanched. “No, the time for that is- never mind. Just bring me the bible from the desk drawer at my place, will you? It’s really an address book.”

 

“Yes. Of course. I want to help Harvey.”

 

“Just, just bring the book alright? Now get out of here and let me sleep, will ya?”

 

Jim pressed Harvey’s hand with both of his own and left the room. Outside a few cops were milling around in the waiting room. He told them that Harvey was going to sleep longer so that they could make their decisions accordingly. After checking by the nurses’ station to be called if anything happened between when he left and returned, Jim exited the hospital. Once he was in the cab he ran his hands back through his hair and slumped in the seat. Everything was different between them now; he knew it and freaked him out to the point of not knowing what to do. He replayed in his mind how when he had attempted to touch Harvey that he had denied him sharply. It hurt and it worried him.

 

Jim watched the city pass by the window and he noted how it had been dark when arrived at the hospital and now it was light. He was exhausted, starving and angry at himself and at Harvey. Harvey couldn’t die; he just couldn’t and if it was within his power he was going to do everything he damn well could to help him; regardless of if it were welcome or not.  Harvey Bullock was his best friend and in most ways, his _only_ friend. How had this happened? How had they become so distant when not but several months ago; was it almost a year? Really? The time had flown; yet not but a year ago they were practically inseparable. What had changed? Harvey’s attraction to him? Yet that was something simple to push away and move forward from. Jim had. Hadn’t he? The cab driver’s voice brought Jim back to the moment and he paid the man and went inside. His apartment was dismally empty of warmth or life.

 

If Harvey died Jim would be completely alone.

 

Jim ate, showered and changed his clothes before heading over to Harvey’s. He brought the man a few fresh sets of underclothing, toiletries, his reading glasses, cell phone/charger, badge and address book bible. It was exactly where Harvey said it would be, in the desk drawer. While it was open Jim spied a few items that caught his eye. Two of which were ticket stubs from a movie he had seen with Harvey months ago. One was dated much earlier than the day they had gone which immediately clued Jim into Harvey’s innate kindness. Jim had wanted to see the film but Harvey had already seen it, so he pretended to have not already gone for Jim’s benefit. They had a quick bite to eat and discussed the film afterwards. Harvey had been happy then, and come to think of it so had Jim. When was the last time he had smiled? Seen Harvey smile? Ages. Jim swallowed and touched the ticket stubs before noticing there were a few newspaper articles paper clipped together. They were all about Jim, his accomplishments, his triumphs, and all the times his picture had appeared in the Gotham Gazette. All of them. Jim closed the drawer not able to handle discovering anything else now that he never knew about his former partner. Harvey was sentimental and sweet and Jim had punched him in the mouth for it.

 

Jim quickly grabbed the bag he had made for Harvey and exited the apartment, certain he locked it with the new key the land lord had made for the new door locks. He returned to the hospital to find Harvey attempting to flirt with a pudgy nurse with a very pretty face and ample figure. She was blushing a little and laughing at something he had said to titillate her. Jim watched the smile on his face dissolve as he entered the room. Jim’s own smile of greeting remained in place as he exchanged pleasantries with the nurse and was warned to allow Harvey to rest. Jim set the bag down close to the bed on a rolling table.

 

“I brought you the new apartment keys and a few things. Just to make you more comfortable because you’re probably going to be here a few days.”

 

“At least.” Harvey mumbled not looking at Jim but the wall at the opposite end of the room. “Did you bring my address bible?”

 

“Yeah, of course.” Jim unzipped the bag and took out the requested object. “I also brought you your phone and charger, plus, this.” He took out the badge and held it up in his hand. Harvey’s eyes homed in on it and he felt something in his gut twist. “Just in case.” While Harvey wouldn’t be doing any police work or making arrests during his hospital stay, the presence of it might be reassuring. It was. He was very glad to see the one thing that still tethered him to his life. Jim saw that he had been right about including it in the care bag and he couldn’t help smiling at Harvey’s expression as he looked from the badge to Harvey. “Do you want to hold it- “

 

“Na. Just put it in the bag.” And then as an afterthought added, “Please.” Jim took out the bible next and handed it to its owner. He watched Harvey open it. “You know, if you tell me who to call for you, I’ll be more than happy to take that off your shoulders. I don’t mind.”

 

Harvey looked at Jim and was about to argue, to delegate the task to someone; anyone; other than Jim but he was too fatigued from flirting with the nurse. “Fine.” He opened the book. “Got a pen?” Jim had to appropriate one from the nurse’s station but he quickly returned and Harvey put a little asterisk by the names he wanted Jim to contact. “Thanks.” He handed the book and pen back to Jim, eyes blinking, chest visibly working to breathe. “Just don’t poor on the drama. And I’m gonna take a little nap I think.” He barely finished the sentence and was asleep. Jim took the opportunity to touch his hair as he had wanted to hours prior and was denied.

 

Jim stood and watched Harvey sleep for a couple of minutes before leaving the room and using his cell phone to call the numbers Harvey had instructed him too. Every one of the relatives he got a hold of knew who he was by name and at first were thrilled to hear from him until he revealed his reason for contacting them. He was as gentle and personable as he could manage and by the last call he was thirsty and tired himself. He got himself some water in Harvey’s room and put the address bible away in the bag before sitting down in a more comfortable chair the nurses had brought in for visitors and fell asleep. He awoke a little over an hour later when one of Harvey’s relatives made it onto the ICU floor and was demanding to see Harvey. Jim hauled himself to his feet and ushered a soft goodbye to Harvey; who slept through it; and exited the room.

 

Harvey’s Aunt Patricia had been the closest to Gotham location wise and was one of Harvey’s favorite relatives. Jim introduced himself and endured a bone crushing hug from the woman before she began dabbing at tears and asking Jim all sorts of questions the doctors would be better able to answer. She didn’t trust the physicians he discovered, and filled her in with as much information as he had.  Aunt Patricia whisked herself into Harvey’s room and proceeded to wake him up to smother him with affectionate sympathy and aid. Jim smiled at the nurse and took his leave to vacate the single visitor spot to Patricia. He would return later in the evening to check on Harvey, but for now he wanted to drive home and get some much-needed sleep.

 

It would be nearly three months before Jim had the opportunity to have Harvey to himself as the relatives drifted back to the peripheral of his life instead of dead center.  He had already undergone his surgery to fix the narrowing of his Mitra Valve, the angioplasty required an overnight hospital stay and typically took a week; or less; for recovery. For Harvey that time was extended a few more days and Jim had the opportunity to hover over him once the relatives had cleared out. Now the only healing Harvey needed to do was to implement a lifestyle change to his lack of exercise routine and a healthier diet. He was also on a medication to help thin his blood a little better than mere aspirin did, but other than that his prognosis was favorable.

 

Harvey glared at the broiled fish and salad upon his plate. “I’ll eat the fish but this,” He motioned to the salad greens. “you just pulled off one of the bushes downstairs, didn’t you?”

 

“No, I didn’t.” Jim assured sitting down with his own meal. “This is all good for you.”

 

Harvey leaned towards Jim and announced, “And that’s precisely why it tastes like shit.” Harvey shook his head and stared miserably at his plate. “I don’t want to eat this.”

 

“It’s what we’re having for lunch. You want to get back to work, don’t you?”

 

Harvey sighed plaintively and frowned. “Yes.” He drew out the word petulantly and raised his gaze to Jim’s before sitting back in his chair. “Does that mean you’re going to step down from acting captain?” It was a legitimate question and one that Harvey had been pondering for a few weeks now. “You seem pretty cozy up in that office. I’m just saying.”

 

Jim stilled his fork and gazed at Harvey in disbelief. “It’s _your_ job, Harvey. I’m not looking to take the position away from you.”

 

“You should.” Harvey countered in all seriousness. “Think about it Jim, it would be a hell of allot less stressful on me if you were the boss. Plus, you were born to be in charge. Everyone hates you and you have that department running like clockwork. In my book that’s an accomplishment. You know how to work the brass because you don’t compromise until you absolutely have too. They can’t figure out what to do with that, and it’s a great advantage for you **and** the department.” Harvey shrugged. “To be honest I only got that job because of seniority. You got it because you were the best fit.”

 

“I got it because I was _your_ partner for three years.” Jim argued gently. “Listen Harvey, please don’t do this. I know you loved being captain. And you were good at it. I’m just filling in- “

 

“Bullshit.” Harvey interrupted and held up a hand to keep Jim silent. “Hear me out first, okay? Yes, you were a place holder for me at first. But now? Everyone knows you’re the better man for the job. I was alright but to be honest? I can’t take that abuse until retirement. That job helped put me in that hospital in the first place. It wasn’t the **main** reason, but it was _one_ of them.” Harvey lowered his hand. “Just consider keeping the position. I know you want it, that you’re good at it, and I honestly can’t do it anymore. Not if I want to live to see my next birthday.”

 

“We’re not talking about this right now.”

 

“Oh, and you get to **decide** that? I’m the guy that had the heart attack. Shouldn’t I decide what conversations are too stressful and which aren’t?”

 

Jim stabbed a bit of fish with his fork. “Fine, you _decide_.” The atmosphere leveled out and Jim watched Harvey push at his salad and frown at it like a disgusted child. “You said it wasn’t the main stress behind your heart attack.” Harvey lifted his gaze and locked eyes with Jim who detailed, “The job. It was only a part of the equation. What was the main factor?”

 

Dreading the inevitable Harvey asked, “Why do you want to know this right **now**?”

 

“Because I’m curious.”

 

Anger flashed behind Harvey’s gaze. “No, you’re not curious _enough_.”

 

Surprise etched Jim’s features. “What do you mean?” Harvey looked away. “Come on Harvey, I want to know.”

 

“Yeah? And I don’t want to talk about this!” Harvey snapped in retaliation that dumfounded Jim by its venom.  “So, drop it!”

 

Jim held up a placating palm and uttered that he would do as asked. “I’m sorry. I just wanted to help.” Harvey said nothing and tore into his lunch, at first concentrating on the fish and completely ignoring the salad out of spite. When it was all that was left on his plate however, he reluctantly began to eat. Jim sat in silence and watched him as he ate his own meal. For the last several weeks Harvey had run hot and cold to him and Jim was reaching a saturation point quickly, however he realized he needed to pick the appropriate time to inquire as to what was going on with his best friend.

 

While Harvey was grateful for Jim’s companionship and care of him, it was also a stern reminder of what he could no longer have. The easy banter and flow of their friendship had been severely stunted as Harvey no longer held any hope.  He was now attempting to protect himself from the pain of loving Jim but thus far had only been moderately successful. At least the heart attack had changed his focus solely from Jim to include himself in the mix. He was having to learn an entire new way to eat, to live, to view things he once took for granted in his life with a new perspective. It was a difficult transition and while he would love to confide in Jim about the triumphs and trials he knew it would only end in his own tears. He frequented several online groups and was finding support there, however in the back of his mind it was niggling at him that he was excluding Jim altogether. But what else could he do?

 

“I’m sorry.”

 

Jim looked at Harvey. “I didn’t mean to push, Harvey. It’s just, I’ve been trying to figure out what went wrong between us and coming up empty.”

 

Regret filled Harvey’s expression and he shook his head. “You are so full of shit Jim. _You_. **You’re** the reason I ended up in the hospital; **you’re** what happened between us! Being around you every fucking day and not being able to be your best friend: To be with you the way I know we should have been.” Harvey shook his head. “How can you put on blinders and never _realize_ ; see what you did to me?”

 

Jim’s eyes shown with confusion and a few tears as he softly bade, “What did I do to you?”

 

“Broke me. Took away all my hope. When you decked me in the hall that night I was drunk and begging you to choose us over her. That time in the bar when you told me that Leslie leaving didn’t mean a damn thing was going to change between you and I. ‘ _Ever’_ , is what you said. And what did I do? I did what I always have where you’re concerned. I took it. I took it and acted like nothing had changed and you were perfectly fine with the way things became. It’s like you didn’t notice one way or another what our friendship was becoming; the distance, how I ran from you? I thought for certain it came to light time to time in your head, but no. You never let on if it did. Never questioned. Never cared what had happened. So, if you want to ask what pushed me over the edge to drinking too much, eating badly, wanting to just give the fuck up and die? **You**. You did Jim.”

 

Jim stared at Harvey his heart beat racing, his gaze burning with tears. “Lee was right; I am virus. I kill everything and everyone I love.”

 

Harvey grabbed a handful of salad and threw it hard at Jim’s face. “You over dramatic, stupid, son of a bitch!” He slammed the same fist down upon the table making the flatware jump and one of the glasses tipped over spilling some water onto the table and floor. He pointed at Jim and shouted, “You’re not a virus, something to fight and get over. You’re a human being Jim, and you’re fucked up like everyone else on this god forsaken planet! I’m in love with you, you aren’t in love with me, and there’s nothing we can do about it, alright? Now stop this shit _BECAUSE IT’S STRESSING ME OUT_!” Harvey’s face was red a vein in his forehead pulsing and fear eclipsed Jim’s expression.

 

“I’m sorry!” He blurted out grabbing Harvey’s hand from across the table. “Please, you’re wrong, okay? I **do** love you. I love you very much! I just don’t know how to be with someone without shooting it all to hell. I don’t know how to approach this because you mean more to me than anyone else **ever** has! What am I supposed to do with that Harvey? Tell me, because I don’t know.”

Harvey released a slight strangled off cry and leapt up to his feet and across the table grabbing for Jim’s throat. “You motherfuckingpieceofshit!”

 

Jim fell back in the chair to the floor the impact knocking some of the wind out of him as Harvey’s hands closed around his throat. All he could see was Harvey above him, feel the weight of his body pinning his torso as she struggled to pry Harvey’s hands off of him. When that failed he began grabbing at Harvey trying to find purchase with his hands.

 

“H-ar-vey!” Jim choked out each syllable and Harvey shook him once, the grip of his hands lessening so that Jim could breathe, but he had to struggle for it a little. If anything, Harvey had his undivided attention.

 

“I should punch you in your stupid face, you colossal jackass!” Harvey spit at Jim. “Don’t feed me some line of bullshit about how you’re a goddamn _disease_ when all you are is a simple **coward**!” Harvey’s hands slipped from Jim’s neck to fist in his shirt and yank him nearly up into a sitting position so that he and Harvey were face to face, nose nearly pressing against nose as Harvey continued, “I gave you every chance in the world to tell me how you felt, I put myself out there and you just slapped me down rather than admit that you felt something. Right Jim? You hid and you let me mourn myself to near death all because you can’t admit to needing me like I need you?”

 

Jim’s hands slid to circle around Harvey’s, not pulling this time just cradling. “Harvey, please don’t,”

 

“Shut up!” Harvey screamed. “Say anything but ‘I love you, Harvey’ and I’m gonna _punch_ you.”

 

“Harvey?”

 

“Say it!” Harvey spat clenching his right fist and hauling it back in preparation.

 

“I- “

 

“Yeah?”

 

Jim swallowed and reached out with a hand to close around Harvey’s drawn back wrist. His gaze was locked with the older male’s and Harvey. “I’m sorry I hurt you so badly it almost killed you.” A tear slipped down Jim’s left check and Harvey’s hold on him relaxed somewhat. “I was stupid, I was blind and you’re right; I **am** a coward.” A few more tears joined the first and Jim’s opposite hand touched Harvey’s cheek.  “But I’m going to spend the rest of our lives trying to make it up to you. To show you how much I love you. I promise that, and everything else we need to be together.” Jim’s hand gently slid down from Harvey’s cheek, to his neck before coming to rest upon his chest just upon his heart.  “I love you.”

 

Harvey seized Jim with his once fisted hand and pulled him forward into a crushing kiss, so impassioned that it left him lightheaded. He pressed his forehead against Jim’s.

 

“My head is spinning and I feel really warm.”

 

Instant worry flooded Jim. “You’re too stressed. Come on,” Jim disengaged from Harvey and rose then helped his boyfriend up off the floor. “Let’s get you to bed and you can lay down.” It concerned Jim that Harvey had no pithy come back or fought him about aiding him to walk into the other room. But he kept himself outwardly as relaxed as possible. He helped Harvey lay down and joined him on the opposite side of the bed pushing up against him. “We’re okay.” He assured rubbing Harvey’s chest and silently working to synch Harvey’s breathing with his own. “I’m sorry I never said anything, I didn’t know how and I was too caught up in what was wrong with me to admit anything that was right about me for you.”

 

“Shut up.” Harvey mused softly closing his eyes and feeling himself begin to relax by degrees. “Just lay here and tell me how you’re not going to make me eat salad ever again.”

 

Jim laughed a little and wiped the tears that were drying upon his face. “Vegetables yes, salad no. How’s that for a compromise?”

 

Harvey grunted.  “Sounds almost, _fair_.”

 

“That’s because it is.” Jim assured kissing Harvey’s throat a little before resting his head back down upon the pillow. He knew that Harvey was sliding towards sleep and he was going to lay awake and watch him breathe to make certain nothing went wrong.

 


End file.
